The Lizardman
I think I really noticed it for the first time a couple weeks ago. It was just after sunset, the sky was still gray and had been all day. I was sitting in my living room with three friends, my TV, and a couple of smoke clouds and we were playing Soulcalibur III for the PS2. Soul Calibur is my absolute favorite fighting game title for any system. Normally I don't play Lizardman at all. But we were playing, my friends and I. And up in front of me was a big screen full of people looking at me. I'm browsing through all the characters I can pick, trying to choose something I can play well. And down there in the bottom right corner of the selection screen is the little green head of Lizardman. He uses an axe and a shield, kind of funny since he's supposed to be a monster. All the other monstrous characters like Astaroth and Nightmare use great heavy slow, crushing weapons. Things that would do a huge amount of damage and would probably smush you or I right away. But Lizardman, not so much, rather than a great wild blade, his axe is clenched tight in his hand. It is clutched there almost fervently unlike Ivy and Tira who are loose with their weapons (and tight with their clothing (some metaphor there I wonder?)). And he bears a small round shield on his right arm. The only other characters in the game who use shields are two girls, blonde, attractive and young: Sophitia and Cassandra. It's an odd, and seldom chosen group those three: the shield-users of Soul Calibur. It is two third's babe, and one thirds reptile, a woman who is snake from the waist down.
I pick Lizardman. The fight begins. My opponent is using a two-handed sword he is hot off consecutive shut-outs against the other two people present. He's feeling pretty confident. His character is Strife, the unlockable story-mode character from Soulcalibur III's built in MMO style game. Strife has probably the most absurd Prince Charming haircut I've ever seen in my life. It's so bad that it's nomination as the number one worst video game haircut by Game Informer magazine is listed on the main Wikipedia page for Soulcalibur.
Strife Astlar Grandall from Soulcalibur III is ranked first on Game Informer Magazine’s list of The Top Ten Worst Hairstyles with the basis of: "A unaimous shoo-in for the most dubious position on our list, Stife isn't a happy looking lad. For good reason - appointed ruler of his father's empire at age 10, Strife apparently never thought to update his pageboy hairstyle. Perhaps he was too busy slaughtering family members and losing his grip on reality. The hair alone is reason enough for the permanent scowl."
I have included a picture of him alongside someone you might know for emphasis:
Okay, so maybe his winning streaks have me fired up a bit, maybe I kind of hate Strife for being such a tool because for some reason I really wanted to kick this guys ass. Then the face-off screen comes up and I'm reminded that I've picked Lizardman, who is not exactly my forte. It's the screen just before the battle and this is the pivotal moment of the story. Because of this I'm showing it to you here with a couple characters demonstrating the mimicry powers of Soulcalibur's character creation section. . . Striking resemblance.
My friend has discovered that pressing the Square or X buttons at this point causes your character to yell a random taunt, moving his mouth but keeping the rest of his body frozen the excitable battle theme music also pauses here momentarily while the game loads. And this is why I love Lizardman. Every other character in the game will yell some absurd catchphrasey snippet. "Scream!" being one of the memorable ones. Does screaming the word "Scream" constitute metascreaming? Other uninspired cries include "Fear my wrath!" and "The likes of you could never stop me!" Strife cries something similar out immediately. My friend turns to me and asks "What does Lizardman say?" I press the button and the TV emits a gravelly growl that lasts barely a second and stops abruptly. We all pause for a second as Lizardman stares at scaly us full of the earnesty of what he has just said. And we laugh. We all laugh because the sound is so silly and the realization that Lizardman doesn't talk. He is a beast.
The battle commences and I'm out of the shoot hard, I hit the ground running and withing minutes I have three straight wins agains Strife. I'm feeling good about myself. The answer to the question "What does Lizardman say?" is that he doesn't say anything. And because he is the only character on Soulcalibur who doesn't, he is the one that retains the most dignity. He doesn't need to talk, talk is cheap, Lizardman is a manlizard of action; action is all he needs. Strife weilds his huge sword and Lizardman his little axe and shield and trounces the knight thoroughly. Of course it's me at the controls. But Lizardman channels my desires for righteous ass-whooping silently and obediently. He does not boast when he wins, he does not complain when he looses. He gives no ground and conveys emotion with movement only in the cutscenes. He is stoic and mute and that is why I love him
Other characters in the game are not as impressed by the fact that he's mute. If Killik defeats him at the end of the round he will often say "Could you please [awkward pause] speak more. . . normally?"
But I know him better. He has more charisma than any of the characters with prescribed battle cries because I am free to invent the inner monologue of his lizard mind. He never says anything that makes him look vapid or cliche. He doesn't repeat himself mindlessly. If Lizardman came downstairs and found the living room from "A Child's Christmas in Wales" full of dissolving snowballs and smoke and firefighters he would probably say "Would you like something to read?"
Because he says the right thing always.
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